A part of my story - Saved from shame and addiction

As you read my story I hope you will find the grace in your heart, that Father had for me.
This is raw. This is honest. This has no filter. This is me.

The enemy saw a gap, he used an innocent incident to steal the innocence of a young girl 4 maybe 5. He used one moment to take everything she knew and replace it with his lies. In a second the life she knew, and the life she thought she would have or dreamed about was gone. Unwilling and unknowing she was set on course of darkness, filled with guilt and shame. Filled with monsters and demons, that haunted her day and night.

I was that little girl. And for almost 20 years I have lived with my dark secret. My shameful embarrassing secret.  The secret you can't share at the bible study high tea or the.

But I am not alone, all around the world there are little girls caught in the enemies claws, too ashamed and scared to seek help, because this is not something we speak about at Sunday school. And if you are that girl, and you can relate to my story than I hope it brings you hope. You are not alone, the enemy is lying to you. Jesus can and will set you free.

I was exposed to sexual spirits at a young age, started watching porn at a young age and inevitably got sexually active at a young age.  All this while growing up in a loving Christian home.  But the enemy was feeding me lies like it was breath. Lies that I was and never will be good enough. Lies that no one will ever love me except for my body. And then the biggest lie of all that I can never tell anybody because they will stone me for the truth.

All this opened doors …..
I wet my bed until an age where it is no longer spoken about. I couldn't sleep alone until I was 13 maybe 14. By then I had made friends with the demons. If I sacrificed my body and fed them with sin and shame , they were actually quiet nice to me. At some times my only friends. I craved pornography and sex like you would crave nicotine, or alcohol, or food. The enemy had moved in between my legs and that would be my curse.

I had sexual relationships with anyone and everyone. Relationships didn't last. I cheated on my boyfriends. Even the really god and nice ones. I lived for one thing alone.

At the age of 20 I was pretty much living in the pits of hell. And then I fell pregnant. I don't even know who the father is. But that baby would be the start of my salvation. I made drastic lifestyle changes, stopped smoking, drinking, doing drugs. Cut off all my friends and basically went into hiding. Still no relationship with Father but being fully aware of His existence.  The birth of my daughter would become my testimony.

At 3 month she was dedicated in church and that evening I was reborn baptised as an adult.

But baptism doesn't cure addiction. Nothing curses addiction. It is a journey.

Around that same time I went into another relationship, with a godly man, who went to church and played in the band. But it wasn't even a month before I was in his bed.  It lasted about a year, during there last few months of our relationship I started working. I wasn't at that office two weeks  and I started a sexual relationship with my married boss. Actually he started it, I just didn't have the self control to resist. Beautiful man. (I married him).

In all this time my porn addiction never stopped or eased. Going to church, praying.  I was still masturbating even when I got sex at home and at work. FYI to those uneducated masturbation is not just fingering yourself, you can have a full orgasm stimulation the clitoris from outside your pants. And the mind is very powerful thing. (I share this because we must be vigilant against the enemies ways and tools. Watch your daughters for any signs. We are not educated enough.)

Four months later I was married to the boss. And I just packed my demons in a bag and moved it to his house.  We had another 3 kids, yes I have 4 kids and it's awesome. He knew about the multiple sexual partners and my addiction to sex, he would become my drug. And still I struggled, because I would not even tell my husband, the man I would share my life with, my secret. I was addicted to pornography and I had had sexual encounters with demons.

Another thing you must know is when you are in that dark place where I lived so many years, you go into relationship with your demons. And it is like a toxic relationship where the husband hits the wife and she doesn't want to leave because she still sees the good in him. Even when I had the opportunity I didn't want to say goodbye to my demons.

My marriage had a rocky start, but instead of it getting better it only got worse. We were at the brink of divorce every two weeks.   We have been going up and down the roller coast for 6 years, I have given up all hope and for the first time in my life at the age of 28, I told some one everything.

And just like that all my secrets came to light, and just as the enemy only needed one moment so God also only needed one moment. He sent His son to my the deepest darkest place of my soul, and just like that those demons had to pack up and leave.  It might sound glorious, and it was for God, but this was a difficult time for me. Saying goodbye and letting go. But now I have seen the light. It is going well with me and my husband and my children.  Some days I miss my demons and I think about them, but then I also say good riddance you are no longer welcome. By grace of God I have been set free. The chains are broken. The doors are closed. It is never too late. Those demons are not your friends and they will only hold you back. It's time to let go. And if God can forgive me and welcome me back into His arms, then He will surely do it for you.

Why I tell my story
http://calledbymyname-thisismystory.blogspot.com/2018/05/why-i-want-to-tell-my-stroy.html